


Lobsterswitch

by purpleHerald



Category: Problem Sleuth (Webcomic), SpongeBob SquarePants - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Mobsterswitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 06:53:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/884258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleHerald/pseuds/purpleHerald
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bikini Bottom AU of Mobsterswitch</p>
<p>Patrick's five point body hungered for fear, he wanted every lobster and every clam to live in fear of his reign, so afraid, that their shaking would crack the shells, and the newly exposed soft insides were ripe for squishing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lobsterswitch

**Author's Note:**

> Trifling Shellsplitters - Twilight Scoundrels 
> 
> Patrick Star - Peccant Scofflaw  
>  Arthropod Devastator - Angry Delinquent  
>  Plankton Idolizer - Pernicious Innovator
> 
> Merciless Crustaceans - Meddlesome Company
> 
> Spongebob Squarepants - Snooping Scout  
>  Delicious Dinner - Deadeye Detective  
>  Chitinous Defiler - Cheerful Demoman  
>  Hardened Bleeder - Heavy Brawler
> 
> I am like 7% sorry for this. Maybe 8%.

It was a cold night in Bikini Bottom. The currents were fast and brought a sense of unease, an unease that could knock Spongebob Squarepants off of his monocycle. He wasn't used to going home by the dark, but he had to take care of some unfinished business with the leader of a rival gang, Patrick Star. They were once friends, before Patrick founded the Trifling Shellsplitters. Spongebob tried to convince him that chitinous shells were a benefit, something all sea creatures should strive for, but Patrick's rejection was as hard as his starfish body. In response, Spongebob, though poriferous, formed a special squad that he named Merciless Crustaceans, destined to protect the hard, the slithering and fearful people of Bikini Bottom.

The first associate Patrick recruited was a nefarious scientist called Plankton Idolizer. Once an accredited doctor of shrinkology, exiled from his field for questionable methodology. Refusing to change his ways, he continued his work on a shrink ray, capable of reducing everything to the size of plankton, and thus making it edible. His most recent invention was said to be capable of reducing a lobster to the size of a small pebble. When ground up, it creates a purer, more refined version of shrimp flavored salt, and due to it's higher quality, Plankton Idolizer would become the world's leading shrimp salt magnate. When given Patrick's word and support in the endeavor to enslave all crustaceans, Plankton agreed in a single-celled organism's heartbeat.

Together they battled day and night, convincing club owners, employers and local government officials to slowly start weeding out shellfish. First is was separate seating on buses, then fewer sick days from work. They didn't want to stop there. Patrick's five point body hungered for fear, he wanted every lobster and every clam to live in fear of his reign, so afraid, that their shaking would crack the shells, and the newly exposed soft insides were ripe for squishing. 

Around this time, Spongebob was starting to put his counter movement into motion. Advocating arthropod rights by day, hunting chitophobes by night. He quit his job as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab, but kept his spatulas and experience in patty flipping. For three days and three nights he sharpened his spatulas, whetstone after whetstone. He maximized the damage it could cause to a soft tissued creature by having one edge cut with a laser for perfect slicing and the other with a heavily serrated blade, perfect for ripping the meat to ribbons. The grip was equipped with a battery, hooked up to a high-resistance copper wire coiled all the way up the handle, causing the end to be super heated. If he needed to, he could overcharge it and boil water on the spot, allowing him to release a jet of steam, perfect for making urchin egg custard. 

After only one public appearance about shellfish rights, Spongebob was contacted by one of his childhood idols, Delicious Dinner. Dinner was a celebrity cook, with his own TV show, but ran a strictly vegetarian kitchen, serving mainly kelp and coral paste. To Spongebob's surprise, Dinner was far more radical and technically skilled. To Spongebob, it seemed Dinner had it all; two magnificent red claws, decorated with small diamonds, long curved whiskers and an incredibly conditioned body. With one whip of his tail he could do a double fucking backflip, which he hasn't repeated, because the first time he did it, Spongebob shat his square little pants.

In a perfect world, brain would beat brawn. Then again, in a perfect world crustaceans wouldn't be threatened but a walking, talking heap of meat. Both groups needed brawn, and where better to find it than Poseidon's Gladiator Arena. The Shellsplitters and Crustaceans both sat in the audience, unaware of each others presence for about two weeks while they were picking out potential allies. 

Plankton instantly recognized the potential of Arthropod Devastator, and convinced Patrick that he would make for a better accomplice than Masked Kuttle. Kuttle was a huge warrior, taking up about a quarter of the arena, but Plankton said that his hard inside would get the worst out of him sooner or later and it was better to play it safe with Devastator, a heartless (literally) cold bodied (again, literally) amalgamation of tentacles.

Spongebob heeded Dinner's advice, and used the last of his savings from his fry-cook days to hire a pair of tag-wrestlers. Large homosexual lovers, as he later discovered. Chitinous Defiler and Hardened Bleeder both wore masks, and were the type of couple that finishes each others sentences. They were terrible to be around, and they preferred each others company anyways, so most of the time they were on call for night operations while Spongebob and Dinner planned attacks on the Shellsplitter headquarters or attacks on notable chitin-hating douchebags.


End file.
